Moment to moment
Each day comes with their own struggles. I recently got a job working as a noon duty supervisor at my kids school Working only 3 hours a day and I love it! Since fighting this illness, I have spent ALOT of days in bed. I’m so heavy with pain and sickness that if I don’t have anything to force myself to get up, I won’t. I just feel that bad. So with months which turned into years of being bed ridden a lot of my days, came depression and anxiety. I would flare up, to where all my symptoms were 50x worse than an average day for me and there would be no way to tell when it was coming on or how long the flare would last. When I was going from dr to dr with no answers and no one really to understand what I was feeling, I fell into a deep depression and I would have bad anxiety attacks that came with it. I ended up having to start taking an antidepressant to help get me through the day mentally. I knew I couldn’t let my mind fall apart along with my body, my kids and husband need me! But I no longer knew who I was anymore. I have had to go through a grieving period, and I’ve gone through multiple grieving periods of my old self. It’s hard because I still have to live a life for my family. If that means I have to fake it, well then that’s what I have to do. I’m still me , my sarcastic social butterfly self, but it’s more forced now versus it being more genuine. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m with you and I’m happy and talkative it truly is because I want to be there with you. But it doesn’t mean I’m not feeling ill. It’s hard trying to force yourself to feel light, happy and vibrant when all your body And mind feels is heavy, sick and exhausted. So when I get home from wherever I am, I CRASH. And I crash hard. If I do a little more than my body can handle I put myself into a little flare up. Today for instance, I went to work already feeling fluish and ill. I love working with kids so it does put a smile on my face and I love seeing my boys. Reed wanted to have a play day with his friend from school and I scheduled it fully knowing my body would not like it. We met at the park after school, kids had a blast. I was struggling with a ton of pain and a giant headache. But I did my best to enjoy a nice conversation with a new mom and a new friend of Reed’s. I got home and barely made it to my bed. To where I passed out , woke up feeling even worse, and I wasn’t able to get out of bed the rest of the night. Dad took Owen to practice, Luke and Reed made themselves something to eat, and got ready for bed on their own. They know the routine when mom is sick in bed. It’s so normal for them now. Wednesday’s are usually pretty hard for me because I have worked two days in a row now and my body is starting to wear down. It’s an early release day too so I have to be there earlier, which is also hard for me to get up early. Mornings are just awful for me. So wish me luck! Living moment to moment. 🙏🏻