It’s been sometime since I’ve been on here. I haven’t really known what to write about. After finding out what I have finally been suffering from for so long, that part of my life kinda stood still for a bit. Going back to the same old stuff I deal with on a daily. Waking up in a crazy amount of pain and fatigue so heavy I don’t know how I’m able to pull myself out of bed everyday. I’ve showed up at work when I could, and stayed home when I couldn’t. Thankfully when I applied for this job I was totally translucent with my principal about my illness and how I would be going to dr appts and how I have days where I cannot get out of bed. At that time in the beginning of the school year, I still didn’t know what I was suffering from. He so graciously accepted this about me and told me that he is so happy to have me be apart of the team and that if there is anything I need, don’t hesitate to ask, that my health comes first. He made me feel so welcomed and accepted for who I am. I also have the best coworkers who have been there for me as well and know how difficult my days can be for me. They know that when I’m leaning or sitting certain times of the day it’s because I am struggling with my pain and fatigue or my legs are weak and I need a bit of a break from standing. They know that when I am not there and I’ve called in sick again it’s because I am bedridden for the day and they are so happy to see me when I come back in! They accept me for me. I am so blessed to have found this job! I love it so much.
I have gone through what I can only describe as an identity crisis these past 3 years. Because I’ve had to live so sick with no answers for so long, I’ve had to figure out who I am in this new body and who I am supposed to be living with an invisible illness like this. Like I had mention before I have gotten so good at pretending nothing was wrong until I can’t pretend anymore. So those days I just stay home and keep myself in isolation. If I absolutely have to leave the house and the only reasons are for my kids or work now, then I slap on that fake persona for the time being (I can do it for a couple hours) and then come back home and back to my dark cave and bed I go. When you see me, you wouldn’t believe that this is what has been going on for so long. Dishes? Forget about it. Laundry? Forget about it. Cleaning the house? Nope. Making dinner? Forget it. No way! All my energy now that I can muster up would be going to work at my kids school and to attend anything I have to for my kids. Baseball, bday parties, family events, baseball, baseball... 🤯😝All my social activities, all my friends that I used to love to get together with, I just can’t do it. I have nothing left for them. I try to every once in awhile when I have a good spurt of what I would consider “good days”. But I still for the most part force myself to be there knowing I’m in a ton of pain and that it could wipe me out. And I try my very best to be that spunky little social butterfly I once was when I am with them. Sometimes it’s easier to not think about how badly I feel and I get a glimpse of my old self. Or for whatever reason my pain meds have done it’s job and masked the pain so it can be manageable. Or my body randomly will really give me those moments or hours of feeling somewhat normal! I love those moments. But sadly a lot of the time I pretend. Pretend in a good way however. I’m not pretending because I’m not wanting to be there with you. I’m doing it in a way that, I still am the Missy you know and love, I’m just doing a lot of forcing my peppy, outgoing emotions more than it being genuine. I’m pretending my pain and fatigue is not there. Pretending to have a normal life as possible for my mental well being. But why even pretend? Why not show the real you and how you are really feeling? People will understand... Because I still do cherish my friendships and relationships with friends and family so very much, and I don’t want to lose them! I so badly want to still live a normal life and not let this illness define me. No one could know what it is like to live in my shoes. As much as I try to explain, you just cannot know the suffering that my body and mind are going through all day everyday unless of course you have Lyme disease or another chronic illness. And honestly by forcing myself to fake it until I make it, really does bring out some of that genuineness that I have deep down inside waiting to come out. It keeps me from always feeling like such a burden and feels good to pretend I am in a normal body for a little bit. Friends, if you are reading this, please know I have not forgotten about you. Your babies that were born, and weddings, and milestone birthdays, kids birthday parties, and showers... I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to make it. I’m so thankful for social media! I absolutely LOVE seeing how your families have grown and all the beautiful moments you are making with them. I am thinking of you guys all the time.
You may be wondering what’s next for me and for my family. Well it’s taken some time to digest the fact that I do have a disease and a very difficult one at that. The fact that after all these years of the unknown we finally have an answer, but what now? How will I get better? Will I always have it? The answer to that is, Yes. I will carry this disease with me for the rest of my life. Once it goes into remission I will have to be very careful not to do anything to trigger it to come out again and rear its ugly head. It’s a very good possibility it will. Will I have to worry about my children having this disease as well, since my symptoms did initially start prior to having kids? Research does show you could very well transfer this to your child through pregnancy. These are questions that have been brewing in our heads. Researching like crazy and joining Facebook groups, trying to find the best dr and the best treatment possible for me and most likely for my kids when we do decide to get them tested.
With all that being said, I have found a dr, who is in functional medicine to do my treatment for me. A Doctor of functional medicine is a combination of a naturopathic doctor, dietician, environmental doctor, Epidemiologist( which I had to look that one up), medical doctor, researcher and detective all rolled into one. He is perfect for what I’m looking for to be able to treat me and my condition to get me on a better path and lifestyle. He believes that this treatment will take a good year to two years for me to get better. I assumed it to be about that. I just want to get it started! Unfortunately we do not have the right kind of insurance to help us with this, but at this point we will do anything for me to get better!! I am hopeful he is my answer. I have already taken a good amount of blood work for him to see how my body is NOT functioning and then I see him in two weeks to go over results and what my treatment plan is going to be. I’m so excited! So wish us luck, keep us in your prayers. I still have a long road ahead of me. My main prayer as of right now is that this is the right path for me and that my children just continue to stay healthy, active and asymptotic while I get better so that I am well enough to then take care of them for their testing and treatment when it’s their time. On to the next chapter we go!
I have gone through what I can only describe as an identity crisis these past 3 years. Because I’ve had to live so sick with no answers for so long, I’ve had to figure out who I am in this new body and who I am supposed to be living with an invisible illness like this. Like I had mention before I have gotten so good at pretending nothing was wrong until I can’t pretend anymore. So those days I just stay home and keep myself in isolation. If I absolutely have to leave the house and the only reasons are for my kids or work now, then I slap on that fake persona for the time being (I can do it for a couple hours) and then come back home and back to my dark cave and bed I go. When you see me, you wouldn’t believe that this is what has been going on for so long. Dishes? Forget about it. Laundry? Forget about it. Cleaning the house? Nope. Making dinner? Forget it. No way! All my energy now that I can muster up would be going to work at my kids school and to attend anything I have to for my kids. Baseball, bday parties, family events, baseball, baseball... 🤯😝All my social activities, all my friends that I used to love to get together with, I just can’t do it. I have nothing left for them. I try to every once in awhile when I have a good spurt of what I would consider “good days”. But I still for the most part force myself to be there knowing I’m in a ton of pain and that it could wipe me out. And I try my very best to be that spunky little social butterfly I once was when I am with them. Sometimes it’s easier to not think about how badly I feel and I get a glimpse of my old self. Or for whatever reason my pain meds have done it’s job and masked the pain so it can be manageable. Or my body randomly will really give me those moments or hours of feeling somewhat normal! I love those moments. But sadly a lot of the time I pretend. Pretend in a good way however. I’m not pretending because I’m not wanting to be there with you. I’m doing it in a way that, I still am the Missy you know and love, I’m just doing a lot of forcing my peppy, outgoing emotions more than it being genuine. I’m pretending my pain and fatigue is not there. Pretending to have a normal life as possible for my mental well being. But why even pretend? Why not show the real you and how you are really feeling? People will understand... Because I still do cherish my friendships and relationships with friends and family so very much, and I don’t want to lose them! I so badly want to still live a normal life and not let this illness define me. No one could know what it is like to live in my shoes. As much as I try to explain, you just cannot know the suffering that my body and mind are going through all day everyday unless of course you have Lyme disease or another chronic illness. And honestly by forcing myself to fake it until I make it, really does bring out some of that genuineness that I have deep down inside waiting to come out. It keeps me from always feeling like such a burden and feels good to pretend I am in a normal body for a little bit. Friends, if you are reading this, please know I have not forgotten about you. Your babies that were born, and weddings, and milestone birthdays, kids birthday parties, and showers... I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to make it. I’m so thankful for social media! I absolutely LOVE seeing how your families have grown and all the beautiful moments you are making with them. I am thinking of you guys all the time.
You may be wondering what’s next for me and for my family. Well it’s taken some time to digest the fact that I do have a disease and a very difficult one at that. The fact that after all these years of the unknown we finally have an answer, but what now? How will I get better? Will I always have it? The answer to that is, Yes. I will carry this disease with me for the rest of my life. Once it goes into remission I will have to be very careful not to do anything to trigger it to come out again and rear its ugly head. It’s a very good possibility it will. Will I have to worry about my children having this disease as well, since my symptoms did initially start prior to having kids? Research does show you could very well transfer this to your child through pregnancy. These are questions that have been brewing in our heads. Researching like crazy and joining Facebook groups, trying to find the best dr and the best treatment possible for me and most likely for my kids when we do decide to get them tested.
With all that being said, I have found a dr, who is in functional medicine to do my treatment for me. A Doctor of functional medicine is a combination of a naturopathic doctor, dietician, environmental doctor, Epidemiologist( which I had to look that one up), medical doctor, researcher and detective all rolled into one. He is perfect for what I’m looking for to be able to treat me and my condition to get me on a better path and lifestyle. He believes that this treatment will take a good year to two years for me to get better. I assumed it to be about that. I just want to get it started! Unfortunately we do not have the right kind of insurance to help us with this, but at this point we will do anything for me to get better!! I am hopeful he is my answer. I have already taken a good amount of blood work for him to see how my body is NOT functioning and then I see him in two weeks to go over results and what my treatment plan is going to be. I’m so excited! So wish us luck, keep us in your prayers. I still have a long road ahead of me. My main prayer as of right now is that this is the right path for me and that my children just continue to stay healthy, active and asymptotic while I get better so that I am well enough to then take care of them for their testing and treatment when it’s their time. On to the next chapter we go!